GIVEN such a name, you could well expect to see waitresses roller-skating around in tight-fitting, blood-red bathing suits. But sadly the name is the only thing in common with the iconic American TV show.

IN Pattaya, anything with big and horn in the title doesn’t usually involve food. However, the Big Horn Steakhouse is the exception to the rule, and truly exceptional it is too. Everything about the Big Horn is cosy: the waitresses are fun and their English is good, the surroundings feel as though you’re in someone’s lounge, and the food is a carnivore’s delight.

IT felt like the perfect meal. My roast pork was looking good, the waiter had brought the chilled draught beer and Arsenal were playing Manchester City on the big screen.

More of an expat’s retreat than a tourist spot, the Butcher’s Arms is an established British pub. The British feel extends to a fireplace, sketches of stately homes and a framed farthing on the walls. Big wooden beams and solid furniture add to the traditional atmosphere.

MENUS are often deceptive. They will show succulent six-inch prawns, surrounded by mounds of steaming, fresh rice. The reality is usually a couple of shrimps and rice that was left over from the day before.

FOODLAND is a must in any tourist’s vocabulary. It’s the place that’s always open, the place where you can buy all you need. It’s also the place to rest and eat in between shopping sprees.

FOOD courts are nothing new in Thailand, but few are as good as this. Not only do you have the choice of Indian, Thai, Russian, Chinese, or European food, you get to dine while looking out to sea.

The Hoek van Holland, or Hook of Holland, is Dutch through and through. From the shutters and model of Amsterdam architecture, to the football shirts and photos of Holland, there really is no mistaking where you are.

THE red, white and green fairy lights that tumble down from the ceiling make it clear that this was Little Italy. Inside Hobf there are Italian flavours everywhere, from the Parma ham display to the roaring oven, into which fresh pizzas are pushed.

FIRST impressions, as anyone who has visited Pattaya can attest to, can be deceptive. The first impression you get when entering Kiss is that it’s a fast-food joint, complete with counter and photos of what’s on offer.

Walk through the front doors of the Lek (‘small’ in Thai) and there’s a large reception area and beyond that the main attraction – the buffet. As buffets go, the Lek Hotel’s is enormous. Not only do you get to choose from a wide selection of dishes, you get to do it while sitting next to the hotel’s swimming pool.

There is a train of thought that says waiters are much like children: they should be seen and not heard. Which is somewhat of a pity, as you miss out on a lot if you ignore either. Little Italy is a prime example. Here, the waiters are as much a part of the meal as the salad or fork.

WITH such a name, you’d expect the Nag’s Head to celebrate all that is English. And with lamb chops, mixed grills, and fish and chips on offer, it does just that. The Nag’s Head isn’t your typical pseudo-Brit restaurant though. It also doubles as a hotel, ensuring a steady flow of people hanging around, reading, chilling, or eating.

THE waitress couldn’t understand it. When customers came in and found all the tables facing out over the sea were reserved, they would turn around and walk out again.

OPAL is somewhat of a jewel in the crown of Jomtien. Situated just off the beach, its long rows of green tables spread out along the front to offer cuisine from nearly every part of the globe. It’s not really Thai, not really European, not really Chinese; there’s just a little bit of everything

Among the larger frontages on Walking Street is P72, a bar and restaurant rolled into one. On one side you have the bar, a deep, well-designed place with wooden fittings. A selection of lively girls in black dresses is there to serve, while there’s a big screen TV if you’re into sport.

ONE rather drunk Thai was taking great pleasure in saying hello to a foreign couple on an adjacent table. He performed a traditional wai greeting, and the couple reciprocated. The Thai’s friends loved this, and they all spent the next 5 minutes wai-ing to each other amid growing levels of hilarity. This is the place to come to meet the locals.

WAKING up on a bright Sunday morning with a bleary head meant there was just one option – a full English breakfast. When you open your hotel door and find the sun’s sharp rays too bright for your blood-red eyes, it’s time to re-load your batteries with a feed.

THAIS do their best to try and help English-speakers. Despite their finest efforts though, some translations are confusing, bizarre or downright wrong. Few though, are as wonderful as those at Pink Lady, where the drinks’ menu offers Fanta, Sprite, or Cock.

IF you want your restaurant to stand out in Pattaya, you’ve got to be different. And making your restaurant look like it’s Christmas every day is certainly one way of getting noticed. You won’t have trouble finding this place as it’s decked, inside and out, with glittering fairy lights. It’s an intriguing sight, and once inside there are more lights draped over a couple of trees.

SCOOBY Doo had the right idea. When it came to solving crime, the hapless hound may have been found wanting, but when it came to sandwiches he knew what he was doing. Scooby would regularly pile endless fillings between slices of bread, so the resulting meal threatened to dwarf him, before devouring them in one gigantic bite.

JOMTIEN has long been Pattaya’s smaller sister, and it probably likes it that way. The place has a much quieter feel, with fewer restaurants and bars, but with its own audience who knows what it wants. The Surf Kitchen is one of the bigger restaurants in Jomtien, and offers a wide range of food.

THE more observant among you will have realised that this place takes some getting to. It’s situated an hour away from the bars of Beach Road, but it’s all the better for that. Tamnanpar is in Rayong, the next province along from Pattaya. The closest spot is Ban Pae, which is where you’d go if you were heading across to the island of Koh Samet.

BACK in the 1960s, a chap called Nacho was a champion diver. That is, until he hit his head and discovered a fear of heights, and depths. Not to be defeated, he became a champion surfer, winning gold at the Olympics.

YOU can always tell a good restaurant from its condiments. At The Blue Parrot you can choose from Louisiana Hot Sauce, Tabasco, Lea and Perrins, or Wolf Hot Sauce. They even have salt and pepper.

ANYONE who has ever been to Laos will know the local cuisine is not one of the country’s strong points. So a restaurant named after the capital city doesn’t quite put the saliva glands into overdrive. Fortunately, this isn’t just Laos food; there’s a clever mix of north-eastern Thai (Issan), traditional Thai, Chinese, and even European dishes for true ‘this-stuff-looks-odd’ farangs.

THERE may be many places to eat in Pattaya that aim to produce quality western dishes, but few are as ambitious as Wandee. Where else have you seen caviar, escargot and abalone on the menu?